deolupin

So I know that I had initially been all bitchy about not wanting to celebrate my 21st birthday because I just wasn't feeling in the mood at all, and had said so a few times on facebook. I even went so far as to hid my birthday from everyone on facebook just so I wouldn't get random "Happy Birthday!" wishes from people at all.
My reasoning for this was pretty simple; I didn't want to have my birthday either be a huge let-down or for it to make me feel uncomfortable for people wanting to buy me dinner/a gift/drinks, not to mention that I didn't want to give some people an excuse to get crazy-drunk just because it was my 21st

But I think it's fair to say that my 21st birthday has been the most disappointing, anti-climatic event in my life yet.

( Allow me to elaborate )

Now that's not to say a few things haven't happened to help bring the disaster that was my 21st out of the gutter.
The only memorable thing so far being that I went to the mall with Dreamous & Sal, bought some manga, and then ended up going to a brewery for dinner where I had a sampler of the different beers they make there.



My greatest disappointment so far though?
I have yet to be carded. Maybe it's the beard, maybe it's the length of my hair, or maybe it's the fact that I don't act like a nervous kid ordering/buying it. But I haven't yet been carded, which makes the passing of my 21st birthday all the more uneventful. :(

Heh, I've done a lot of pretty dumb stuff.

But as much as I hate to admit to this one, I'd have to say that the dumbest thing I've done, without question, was forging the missing assignments papers I had in middle school to say that I had none, just so that I wouldn't have my parents make me do the missing work.

Not much more to say to that, other than I can't believe I didn't think I wouldn't get caught. And then I didn't just have to make up the missing work, I was grounded by my parents and suspended for a week by my school for forging a document with the school's name on it...

So I bought an air mattress at Target not long after moving down here from Portland because sleeping on the floor... is not something that I really enjoy. And my friend's couch is not a very comfortable one for me to crash on.

Less than a week into using it, the damn thing springs a leak that eventually became a hole in the mattress. But not just a any hole anywhere, but positioned at a seam where the little... indented bits in the mattress are. And on top of that, it was on the flocked side of the mattress, so the patches that were included didn't stick to it even if it weren't in such a ridiculous place. So I did what any industrious poor child would do. I got some Super Glue gel and filled the shit outta that hole!
Admittedly, I failed the first few times because I got impatient and inflated the mattress prematurely. But once I got it sealed, I figured I was golden.
Nope.
The damn thing has sprung another leak. But this time, I can't for the life of me figure out where it is. I tried inflating it and laying on top of it, listening for the tell-tale "hiss" of air escaping while I ran my hand along every inch of it, feeling for escaping air. I can't find anything and the damn thing is basically flat by the time when I get up in the morning.

Now I'm angry. I can't sleep well, and being unemployed and having a hard time finding a job or friends to hang out with because everybody is too busy for me, sleep was the one decent thing I had going for myself.

Fuckin' A, what did I do to deserve all this shit-karma?

Yeah, the title pretty much says everything. XD

I don't know what it was -maybe posting the entry about not dreaming? But all of a sudden I've been dreaming. And not just dreaming, but dreaming every night which is kind of an unheard of thing for me. Not that I won't have times where I'll dream every night, but this has been two weeks now.

*shrugs* I dunno, it's not like it's majorly news-breaking, I just think it's a bit weird. Especially considering that all of my dreams have involved otters in some way. Usually I'm an otter in my dreams, but sometimes everyone else will be or I'll meet a romp of them or something weird like that.
It's really one of those "makes you wonder" kind of things, if anything. Like, maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something? Heh, I dunno, does anybody know what an otter in a dream signifies?


Anyway, that's all there really is to that.
In other news, crushes really suck.
I've had a crush on... something like 10 different guys in the past 6 months, and all of them are totally unavailable in some form or another.

Gah, I mean, seriously! Why can't I find a guy who's actually available? Why can't I meet someone who is willing to give it a try? Why?

Ugh...
Anyway, that's my rant for the night, talk to y'all latas.

So something that I hadn't thought much about lately but realized after pawing through my binder of journal entries, stories and dream memories... I haven't had a dream in about 2 months.
My last truly vivid, fantastical dream I had -the kind that makes you want to stay asleep, even after you've begun waking up it's so amazing- was on May 19th of this year. That was also the last dream I've had that I can recall having upon waking up. This really kinda disturbs me, if only because I tend to frequently have "deja vu" dreams, and since I haven't dreamt anything in the past two months, I'm beginning to wonder if my dreamcatcher is a lot more important than I gave it credit.
It would make sense, considering that before that great dream in May, I've only had two others this year, both in March.

Some people might shrug and say "so what?" to all this, but the reason my lack of dreeams concern me is a big indicator for my life. First off, I only have truly restful sleep when I dream. When I don't have a dream, I never wake up feeling refreshed and good about the coming day. Now, I'v never dreamed on a daily basis, but I would usually have at least one dream a week which would help fuel me for the rest of the week 'til I had the next one.
My second concern has to do with what I call "deja vu" dreams. The kind of dreams that are premonitions, but never really realized until it actually happens, instilling a feeling of deja vu in you. Normally I have about 4 of these per year, although I usually don't remember much about them and sometimes don't even remember having had them at all. What concerns me, though, is that thEse deja vu dreams help to fuel my sense of premonition and empathy I have. Without my great sense of premonition and empathy I feel kinda empty and useless, and it's beginning to show...

Worst part is, sleeping on an air mattress and not having a solid place to stay for quite some time is going to further limit my chances to have a restful sleep/ dream...
I really need to get my dream catcher from my friend if she still has it, though... hopefully it can help me.

Ugh... x_x;;

I don't really feel like going too much into it, but a part of me is beginning to regret moving down to Arcata... Don't get me wrong, I do love it down here; the whole area is a great place, and it's so nice being so close to the ocean (even if my chance of actually making it down there much are slim to none until I get a car).
No, my only real problems are what I had built up everybody down here to be. Everybody is still who they were when I left, but now... I feel like an outsider everywhere. Sure, everybody welcomes me and all, but either I made everybody into people they aren't during my absence, or alot more has changed in 6 months than I'm willing to accept...
Either way, I need to get a job soon so I can work on shifting my focus away from me and being depressed all the time. Being lonely = being depressed for me, and the more depressed I get, the more I focus on myself and what's making me depressed. It's always a scary place to go wandering for too long, and I always end up more depressed than I was.

And yeah... I really need to find a job. Come mid-August, I no longer have a room to sleep in and will officially be crashing on friends' couches. Not a delightful prospect, in any light, but at least with a job under my belt I can start savingup for my own place.
*crosses fingers* Wish me luck with all that...



Oh yeah, one last thing! Did I foget to mention that I'm starting my own podcast?? ^___^
The name's totally corny and punny as hell, but it's why I like it~
So I would like to invite all of you to come and join me in my performing endeavor as a podcaster! There's no fixed format, and I'm really the only permanent host, so if you want, you could be a guest/co-host for an episode if you want! ^_^
ANyway, come check me/it out at http://thegaylysnark.wordpress.com

So how selfish is it of me to say that everything I feel and everything that happens to me seems to only happen to me?

...That's how I, and I'm sure a lot of people have felt about their lives and the bullshit they've had to deal with in life.


I think that the weirdest thing is that even though I would read other journals and things about the shit in people's lives, I'd brush it off, considering that to be "their" experience, so it clearly couldn't be anything like mine...
Well that all changed for me today.

I feel a little dirty for having done it, but some... morbid sense of curiosity got the better of me and I began leafing through all of a good friend's LiveJournal entries... all the way from the beginning. It was a weird feeling, going back and reading the entries; like I was sneaking into his room and stealing his personal journal he keeps hidden under his bed. *shrugs* I dunno, I sometimes think we all forget that the internet is such a public place... and if we're not careful, anybody can find out anything about us...
Anyway, what really hit home to me... was just how much we really do share the same experiences, the same neuroses, the same passions. Not all of us share the same things, but enough of of share enough things in common... The Human Experience...
He.. my friend... it was so weird seeing those words on the screen... I've only known him a short time, and going through his journal, which starts in late 2003, was like moving through time... for all effects and purposes, he was a different person back then... the words he wrote are not the words of the friend I'd expect today. But what really, truly moved me, was that his words... were, and in some cases still are, my own words.

It's a weird feeling, finding proof at the bottom of that well that no matter how lonely you get, you are never alone in how you feel.



The Human Experience... When experienced for yourself, it's truly a beautiful, but terrifying, thing.

Heh, so yeah...
I feel dumb, since I was totally going to work harder at posting journals more often and all, but keep neglecting to. *shrugs* meh, whatever, I just gotta work at it and make an effort, yanno? *smiles*

So life has been pretty crazy and hectic for me lately, and since i don't feel like going into it too much. ...at least not right now, I'll give you the quick overview.
simply put, I've run away from home. Now there's more to it than that, like the fact that I AM 20 years old, so it's not like I'm really breaking a law or what the fuck ever... But yeah, I moved away from my parents 'cuz they insisted that if I were to continue living at home, that I go
 to school. But I've grown so tired of school and not knowing what I wanna do, that I couldn't do that. So the next option was to stay at home with parents constantly nagging me about school or a job, which didn't so much appeal to me. So yeah, i moved out and now down in Arcata, CA, getting by with the help of some friends.
Next up is finding a job. ...god damn, why can't I seem to find anything?? :(
That's enough of that, for now... more to come later, if I remember/feel like it.


But yeah.... I just have one last thing I have to rant about.
Okay, so as much as I know that having people tell you how good you look, how attractive they find you, how much they like a certain feature of yours, etc, I know that these are meant as compliments, and I really love to hear people tell me these things, no matter how much I get embarassed by it...
No, my problem is that the people that tell me this are NEVER SINGLE. I mean, really? :< Does nobody single find me attractive?
Cuz if that's it, then I can live with that... I just need to stop hearing people that aren't single telling me this stuff then.
Really, as lonely as I get, I'm perfectly happy with being single for now. (Life's to stressful to worry about a boyfriend anyway) Just... don't tell me you've got a boyfriend and then tell me that you really like the way that I look. It's more of a slap to the face than a compliment to me at this point.



*sigh* anyway, rant's over.
Time for me to go and take a walk before the sun comes up~ It's the best time to be alone with my thoughts and to enjoy the beauty of the night. <3

...is a day that I hate with my entire being.


The entire day is insane, and I mean in the worst way possible. For those of you who enjoy this day and all that it stands for?
...Please stay the fuck away from me.


Text alone isn't enough for me to express my full distaste for this "holiday," but unfortunately it's all that I have. Pictures won't do much good, sound clips are okay but easily ignored, and videos (via youtube) are only so good. I would love to create some sort of... video ranting series, but bitching to my computer's monitor just doesn't do it for me. :/

But I digress.
I've pretty much made my point that I hate this day, and I suppose you might be asking why... So here we go:
The answer is pretty basic. I see/hear enough awful pranks on a weekly basis done by what I consider to be the sewage waste of radio broadcasting. I don't need to see more done in one day on a scale of huge numbers of people.
Also, I've seen some pretty lame and some pretty awful pranks done by people. Making people think you're hurt/injured or anything like that ISN'T FUNNY. 'Nuff said.



That's not to say that this day is 100% Terribad, though. Although I don't spend my time looking for pranks online, so I don't know if there are any others like this, the one website that I am most familiar with does a pretty fantastic "prank" each year.
That company of course is Gmail/Google. Theirs are done in the most tasteful yet truly "high-larious" way that I absolutely love the company more and more when I see these things.

Soo.... yeah, I ended up going through and deleting all of my posts here mostly because they're just retarted little memes and stuff that... I just felt were really immature.

Not that I won't post memes and the like here in the future, but that those were the only things here... and I'd like to actually use this journal as a journal and not the receptacle for all the BS ridiculous things that I find on the internets. --I can use the notes section in Facebook for that, now. XDD

Anyway, just creating the first post for mah new journal, hopefully I'll get back into journaling more and see y'all around here again~!